Redeemed Tears...

I got the privilege of hearing my oldest baby share his testimony for the first time Sunday night at Voice of Faith.  It's always a blessing to hear how God worked in some ones life, but, oh how special this story is...

When James was born I fell head over heals, I had never loved another human the way I loved that little boy.  We were connected at the hip.  But, as all little boys do, he grew..and the teen years rolled in...and they did not roll quietly in either.  They were rough...my side kick would just rather not.  We fought about friends, skipping school, dirty socks, homework, going to church, and any other thing under the sun.  I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one night bawling because I felt like some thing had died. How could that sweet little boy who loved me so much all of a sudden hardly stand the sight of me?  I felt like I was grieving a loss.  Some wise church mama's assured me this was normal teenage behavior, and that all would be well, but I ached none the less.  I prayed hard when he made foolish decisions, and cried some more.  He made it through high school mostly unscathed (by the Grace of God) and left for college.  It was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.  There was less and less to fight about and he was less and less a teenager.  He continued to ignore the Lord a little while longer, but God we still pursuing him.

He came home from college, chose a bride who loves the Lord, and finally surrendered all he was to Him.   Oh, what pure joy it has been to watch the Lord work! 

As I listened to him speak Sunday night, and as he told bits of my own testimony that were interwoven with his, I realized a few things.  All those fights had a lot less to do with me and alot more with him wrestling against the Lord, hindsight really is 20/20.   But my favorite part, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle" Psalm 56:8.  God has redeemed every tear I cried over that little boy, and you know what?  I would do it all over again to sit in that pew of that little country church and listen to how God changed him, how God loves him, and how he desires to be the spiritual head of his household...

So mamas out there, if you are still rocking your baby, hold him a little tighter. If he is at the stomp my foot "I can do it myself" stage of toodlerhood, just take a deep breath.  And girl, if he/she is a teenager, just call me, we can laugh, cry and pray together (I am good with running away for coffee and/or food of any variety as well) You are not alone, and God is counting your tears, too.

Just Me, pondering...

She is like me...

She is like me...

She looks like me, except she has her Daddy's brown eyes that shine like honey when the light hits them just right.  She is loud, emotional, strong willed, all of which my husband insists she gets form me, and as she grows older I see more and more of myself...

I have fought fiercely to raise her differently than I was raised.  There is no alcohol in our home, she has her Daddy, she has been in church since 9 months before she was born, and I do my best to teach her modesty.  And she is a good kid...

But I still fear that she is like me...I fear she will be like the me that she never even met.  The me that made bad decisions..even when I knew better...the me that loved with my whole heart, and in turn left pieces of it behind when relationships ended.  The me that was sure the void in my heart would be filled when finally, just maybe....surely... when I found the man of my dreams...

I pray..alot..for her.  I pray for God to protect her, for God to guide her in making right decisions, for her to be a good friend...for her to avoid this pitfall, or that destructive path... and a few days ago, in my praying..God whispered something to my heart that stopped me in my tracks...

I was praying for her to be spared from a hurt..and He said, "But what if that will be part of her testimony..."

It was a thrilling and terrifying revelation all at the same time.  I cannot keep her from all the hurts out there, and I do not need to break my neck trying.

So again, as I have done many times before, I physically turn my hands, palms up.  She is yours Lord, You love her even more than I do.  You have a plan for her life, and I trust You will guide her steps.  Make me the mother you would have me to be.  Help me to know when to speak and when to be silent.  Help me to set healthy boundaries.  Give us a closeness, so she knows that no matter what, she can come to me.  And above all, Lord, help me to pray for her with eternity in mind.

Pondering...

Conditional Sisters

I attended two funerals in the last month.  Both grandmothers with four children and many grand and great grand children.  But that is where the similarities end.

I was curious when I saw a few older people that I did not recognize as I approached the funeral home.  One was my grandmother's sister, we did not recognize each other, so thankfully she asked who I was.  I was actually beginning to wonder if there might be two funerals happening at the same time. Once she introduced her self, I was surprised.  I had heard this sister's name, but it was usually in reference to some spat.    A little while later another lady came in...another sister.  My grandmother and her sisters (there were six of them) have not spoken in years, since some big blow up, the details of which I was not privy.  The two sisters did not recognize each other.

How do you grow up in the same house and not know your own sibling?  How do you let so much time and ill will go by that you find yourselves finally in the same room and not know it?  The one that asked who I was made her way to the other sister and introduced herself.  And they spoke...not sure the words exchanged, but they spoke.  Both in their 80's, both now in different states, neither had spoken to each other, or to the one whom there was no longer a chance to speak to, for many years.

My grandmother was notorious for holding grudges.  If she was mad at you, she may just stay that way....like for good.  If you had gained weight, she was gonna tell you about it.  She also watched me when I was little so my mom could finish high school, and she loved to see my kids.  She crocheted blankets for us, and made sure each of my kids had a small gift from her in the last year or so.  I remember the row of rose bushes she had planted by the road, but you better not dare pick them, or she would whoop you.  She grew a huge garden, and had chickens..I remember her ringing ones neck once.  I loved her, she loved me.

I wonder...was it worth it?  Was the blow up worth never speaking again, growing so far apart you no longer recognize each other?  I wonder if they even remember what started it all...I bet my grandmother did.  As I ponder this, I realize how much more I am like her than I care to admit.  I can just about tell you what Jamie was wearing one day about 18 years ago when he said something particularity hurtful...I can get mad and stay that way...for a long time.  I have at times been okay with cutting people out of my life because the relationships were just too much...work.  My love has been conditional.  I love you,  as long as ______ .

Are there people in your life that need forgiving? Are there ones you need to seek forgiveness from?

Do it...

I imagine funeral homes are are famous places for regret.  I imagine her sisters felt something toward her, or else why come?  We certainly did not expect to see either of them.  God has been reminding me to be intentional. As I drove away for the cemetery I had an added grief come over me for the cousins  I will probably never see again, we have no more common grandparents... Life rolls by and some times bowls us over.  Those we love can become casualties to the everyday grind, especially those we do not see everyday.

Be Intentional...

Love Unconditionally...

Pondering...

Thirsty...again...

My various blog posts typically roll around in my head for awhile before I "pen" them....two such thoughts have been rolling around recently..until they collided and became the answer to one another.

I was shopping..alone (my favorite way) and I spotted her.  Nicely dresses, on a Saturday morning no less.  Hair and make up done, and both of her shoes were the same color even! But this in and of its self was not really what struck me.  She was not shopping alone.  She had three little ones under the age three in tow...one in the cart, one at her side, and one strapped to her.  All little angels, neatly dressed and clean.  But again, this was not why I really noticed her.  Mind you I use the term "at her side" loosely for the eldest angel as she  had to touch every item they passed, as little ones do, but her mother was not phased by the wandering hands.   What I noticed about the foursome was the peaceful spirit and smile on that mothers face.  As I continued to cross paths with her as we went up and down isles in oposit directions, I pictured the acrobatic act it must have taken to strap the littlest angel to her chest.  While my children are well past the car seat stage, I remember very well the cat herding it took to get them from the car into the store when I was alone with all three of them.  On our final pass the middle angel sitting in the cart waved at me, and her mother gave a Mary Poppins giggle as I waved crazily back at her.  I gathered my groceries and left the store, but I pondered the scene for days.  What was that smile about? How did she manage to get herself together and have all three of those kids clean at the same time?  And did I mention they were all three happy at the same time as well?  Did she have some magic fairy with her that I had not noticed?

This brings us to the second possible blog that had been rolling around....a topic I wrote on some years ago actually, about a well.

We travel through the desert of life, sun beating down on us, hot thick sand, and we trudge threw.  All the while we circle a well, a well of living water.  All too often we allow the heat to over take us, even as the well is with in arms reach.

I have waded through that hot sand, cursing it.  Looking to the sky and  asking God why..why is this so hard?  And He whispers..."Come to the well, child..."  But I carry on, growing more and more weary with each step.  I wonder why I am so thirsty..."Come to the well, child..."  I wonder where the relief is from the blistering sun, maybe if I walk faster, try harder there will be relief.  Maybe the sand storm will stop whirling around me if I just...do something.  And the circling just continues.  I even go into the desert with out my armor...I leave my belt of truth behind, and give the enemy room to speak lies.  I drop my shield giving the fiery darts full access to my soul.  And yet my Father continues to call, "Come the the well, child.."

As I pondered these two thoughts, the Lord rolled them into one.  That mother in the store did not have a magic fairy...she must have had a yielded spirit to our father's voice calling her to the well. Maybe that morning before her shopping trip she stopped dragging her feet threw that hot sand and drank in His goodness.  Maybe instead of trying harder, she rested at His feet.  Maybe she put on her full armor before she ventured into the desert.  And while I only got a glimpse of her seemingly charmed life, I know the truth.  I know those angels are not always happy, and I know her smile some days fades in exhaustion. But maybe just maybe she knows the truth of how He sees her...oh to know that truth.

And so our Father waits , waits for us to stop struggling, waits for us to come, empty handed to Him.  Lord forgive me for my stubbornness, forgive me for not full resting in You.  Thank You for continuing to call...continuing to offer relief... I love You Lord...

Just Me, Pondering...

What's wrong?

So, I have been feeling off....when I feel off I try to evaluate why that could be.  There are a number of reasons I could feel off, after all, I had surgery 3 weeks ago.  But it was not a physical "off" I was feeling.  Maybe I am affection deprived...Andrew is cuddling with me less and less as he grows, and Jamie has constructed a pillow wall between us in bed to avoid bumping me in the night since I had my surgery.  Maybe it is because James has left for college, although I have yet to go more than 6 days with out seeing him since he is so close.  Maybe its my hormones....although hot flashes have subsided. Maybe I am just going stir crazy from being stuck at home and not being able to work.  But work was not all I have been missing.  I have not been able to go to church either.  I am happy to report that I ventured out today, and went to church! And in doing so, discovered what my "off" was. I love gathering together with my brothers and sisters in Christ to Worship and hear God's Word.  Church is where I feel most loved.  As I pondered this, my mind wandered to the people who were once a part of church that no longer are...how does that happen?  I missed 3 weeks of church and it is eating at me, I can not imagine how I would feel if I had to miss longer.  

Life is not easy, we need each other.  We need not attempt to limp through this battle field alone. God's Word is pretty specific on this matter.  Do you know why that is?  As my pastor, Bro Joe Bufford said today, "God wants better for us than we want for ourselves." 

We often sit back and scratch our heads, not knowing what to do next.  If that describes you, start with Hebrews 10:25.  It's clear, and it is for our benefit.

Hebrews 10:25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.  

If you need a church home, I would love for you to join me at the Father's house.  If you have a church home that you have neglected, make it right.  

Just me pondering...

No More

I am wound up....so forgive my rant.....

I am reminded tonight how much the devil wants our children.  Some times just the little things like getting them to get up and come to church without starting World War III.... I have grown weary fighting my oldest child about being at church, but no more.  His spiritual growth is more important than anything else, more important than graduating high school and going off to college.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart, and after meeting with the best Youth Pastor in the world, I have renewed hope that this battle is worth fighting.  His future hangs in the balance.  The world will have its turn once he leaves from under my roof, but for now I will do all I can to equip him to fight that fight.  I know that his decisions are his own, and the consequences as well...but I will rest my head at night knowing that I have done all I could to teach him the truth.  The truth that God's best for him far out weights the lies the devil whispers....the truth that obedience does not mean you are being cheated or missing out....the truth that this journey is bigger that us, and we are here for a reason and we will not be at peace until we are in His will.....

And just to give equal time to the other "almost" teen in my house....I made a mistake with her the other day.  I gave in and agreed to let her get a dress I was not thrilled with.  Her Daddy saw it and expressed his concern.  Hearing those words from him hit me like a ton of bricks.  She is absolutely beautiful, but she is 12 YEARS OLD...had I lost my mind?  Why would I compromise on a dress for a 12 year old? Because I was weary....but again, no more...and the dress..no more...

So I am not the most popular person in my home tonight, and you know what? I don't care.  Like I tell my kids...doing wrong is easy, doing right is always harder.

So I say all that to say this...what is the priority.....I have 6 months till the oldest leaves for college (171 days to be exact) What will I do with it?  Will I spend more time hunting scholarships or praying?  Will I grow weary again and compromise? Will I do what ever it takes to get him around as many Godly people that love him as I can?  Now is the time....and I will take all the prayer I can get.

Pondering.....

"I'm all set"

"I'm all set"


I heard this phrase this week.  It's not your typical Southern saying..but some times "Mainers" say it... and in the context I heard it, it meant "thanks, but no thanks...not interested"

I went to Portland, Maine this last week on a mission trip to help a new church plant, Cross Church, reach out to people.  I have not spent much time up north, and it was very apparent right away, that it was not the hospitable South I am accustomed to.

Don't get me wrong, not everyone was rude or indifferent, but typically people do not make eye contact or speak to you first as you pass them on the street.  And talk about a melting pot...we could not have made contact with more nationalities unless that Southwest airliner flew us completely around the world.

I say all of that to say this...

I have been pondering this point for awhile.  Here in Hopkinsville we have Challenge Houses.  They are located is disadvantaged areas, the people who live in them become rooted in the neighborhoods.  Services are offered from the homes, like  GED classes, after school tutoring, and bible studies.  I love the concept. Real live people who simply love their neighbors.

The more I learned about the Challenge Houses, I began to ponder some thing.  Why do we not do this in other neighborhoods?  Are the people living in the higher income areas all saved?  Do they not need to hear the Gospel?  I have been thinking about this for months, and I think this trip to Maine has given me a glimpse at the answer to some of my questions.  As I walked the streets and beach in Maine there was a sense that people felt that we had nothing to offer them.  They did not feel they were in need of anything.

From my very limited experience as to how things work with a new church plant, it seems like a slow grind of a process.  How do you reach out to people who feel they have no need?  Giving some one some thing tangible to meet a physical need is fairly easy, its what I do at work every day.  But how do you make one aware of their need when they have a beautiful home complete with a dock and boat?

We know the need...we have felt it ourselves.  As I watched these church planters at work, Aaron and Kathy Werner, I noticed some thing.  It was brief windows of opportunity that they took.  They never passed up the chance to chat with some one, to get to know them just a little.

We keep hearing "its all about relationships" lately, and it is.  We must be willing to be in relationship with people if we hope to show them the most important relationship of all, one with Jesus Christ. Not every one, or should I say, most people don't respond to being handed a gospel tract.  The more I ponder this, the more I come back to this point.  Do we care that people are dying and going to hell?  If we really do, then it will change us.  It will change what we are willing to do, who we are willing to talk to.

I come into contact with people every day.  I am free to share my faith at work, unlike many people.  There are no excuses, it all boils down to how much I care.

Pondering....